2:00

2:00 am
     The welcoming door opens as I enter. The dim lights set cozy warmth as I scan the room to find my perfect seat. I gaze in awe to all the options bestowed before me. What will it be tonight? Should I tilt my sniffer to coat the rim of my glass in search for the mint and cedar wood aroma of whiskey? Or do I want to cup my 3oz frozen glass for a little warmth right before I hold her up and look at the crystalline lustre vodka acquires.
     Ooh... hello there. Her curvature glass catches my eye. Her smell must be tamed with soft inspires. As I toss and turn her, I can see her tears. I press her onto my lips, and gently sip. She'll struggle through the first sip, releasing her acidity and bitterness. Yet, I continue; her aroma blossoms. I take another sip and hold her. She subdues into softness, and matures to a delightful cognac.
     The mellow harmony of jazz transforms the figments of my imagination into a movie right before my eyes. I see how my past has leaded me to where I am today…life is good. I can hear the soft chatter of people mingling and their laughter. My bartender joins me in my thought. I can see through her glassy eyes as she wonders into oblivion. She pretends to look busy as she effortlessly wipes the glasses with long stokes; hoping her evening will end soon, while mine had just begun.

     We begin to small talk, and exchange personal inquiries. We have a lot common and begin our own soft stew of laughter’s. The gentleman sitting beside us lurks in, waiting for the perfect time to embark on our sea of conversations. His causal head tilt over the shoulders reflects his soft eyes. His smear of a smile shows he means no harm. Our bartender is delightful. She allows him in; three solitude strangers making the best of their night.

     The barroom’s air becomes hotter with every sip of joy. Our checks are rossie. Our bellies tender from a night full of snickering. The bottles are half empty and some cool air would be refreshing. Everyone is settling down. Discussing the responsibilities of tomorrow’s must. The bartender snaps back into reality as she realizes the time, and is happy to be going home. You can see the fine gentleman was pleased to have come as he turned to wave goodbye just before leaving. Now, it is I who stand outside the doors that had once welcomed me. I pause to strike a match and lite my cigar. The umami flavor conquers my mouth and devours my naris. Its 2:00 am and my night have just begun.     

For Elle, Who made me smile on my saddest day

 

Dubious

Should I or Shouldn’t I? What do I have to lose? I feel like it’s already been lost. I try to believe what has been lost can be gained, but how. Secondly, do I want to gain what’s been lost?

I try to reflect the beginnings of our times. The true bond I once believed in; the unification of one, unbreakable, and undefeated.

United like two fixed pillars holding the unworried future; the constellation foretold stories, and we were making our own.

As usual, life brought to us its true realities. We live our lives day by day as each minute brings us choices. I concluded without hesitation. Yet your magnetic feelings of the present consumed our forthcoming.

As of now, I lie precariously. The foundation of our strength weakens as the spider web cracks seep into my reasoning.

It is I who now wonders what this instant will bring to me. I am left with no concern of fate. The decision I make may result in painful consequences. As I reflect diligently, I can only remember how painful it was, but cannot relive the pain.

So, as my seconds turn into minutes, and hours of the day, I‘ll remain in limbo. Unsure to the promise I made. It is I who will live at the moment, with no worries for the following days.  

No Options

     We begin our future plans by weighing out our options of pro’s and con’s. In the end we are left with our minds racing with turbulent thoughts of no ends or beginnings. Our minds feel light as our whirlwind of thoughts toss and turn. Yet our bodies are stagnant. We are unable to feel the momentum of our thoughts spinning in place. We lie still without the certainty of how to move forward.  

     Our movement in time is ceased by our selfish acts of what is beneficial to us. If we feel like there is something lacking within us, then there are no options for us to choose. We must follow through, regardless of what we may think is advantageous. Our yearnings are inevitable, and time moves forward. We must act now.

     Have your mind stop! Ask yourself; what it is you want?  Only you, yourself, must go get it. The clock is ticking. There are no options.

Ripening

     Anger, and madness, anger and madness…I’m angry at myself. The lack of my potentials withers as I deny my madness to consume me. I blindly live the happily ever after existence. My human counter parts undeveloped to endless joy. I received a short taste of bliss and transformed it to my knowledge of euphoria. I blasphemed my loneliness for eternity; living in madness and my anger parts in death. The moral pair rejoices to their dearest affection; losing what hasn’t been gained.

     Anger, and madness, anger and madness… I live my life. I’m sworn to bondage. My body is completely covered and tied up in a black rubber suit. I stand with my back pressed against the wall with nowhere left to go. My arms are tied behind back, my legs spread apart. My face is covered. I can’t see. I can’t speak. My other half dictates when I can breathe. This merciful act prolongs my death and I remain taut.

     Anger, and madness, anger and madness resides within me; grows within me. My body and mind discombobulated. No sequence, like the way a cub hunts for food. A cub aches of hunger and searches for food to avoid impeding doom. The cub’s disorientation between balance of time and motion grows into a proficient nature as the cub becomes a lion. Then can the lion truly feast. My anger and madness began as a simmer. I was searching for my balance, my infrastructure but my aptitudes were denied as a young lady. Now my anger and madness boils. It poses me. My genii are turning me into a woman. Anger, and madness, anger and madness I live… 

Water Your Grass

     Sometimes we may think the grass is greener on the other side. We astutely look at other relationships. We look at their qualities, their possession, and their successes’. We begin to ponder on the “what if’s”, and allow our mind to envision the forbidden bliss of pleasures. The beauty of our imagination can wonder into infinity.

     Eventually we begin to question if our current relationship is right for us. The fine line between fantasy and reality is so malleable we manipulate our egotistical thoughts into self-righteous ones. We begin to compare our partner to the imagery of our lustful desire and, end our thoughts by patronizing our naive partner. Our partners are placed into a black hole where their mind can no longer connect with yours. They are suspended between the reality and your illusions.

     In the end, we contemplate the worth of our relationship. We begin to reject the possibility of false deception and believe the other side may be better. Before you take action on fabricated pretenses, dedicate your mind to what stands before you. Take the time to dig and look where the holes are; patch them up and water on your grass. You might learn what has been missing all this time is just a little tender, love, and care.  

Demons

     We all possess an evil influence. The negative thoughts of how we look, the figure of our bodies, or our culture, and sometimes the question of who am I. Our insecurities fester within our inner souls that rot the purities we are born with. As we walk through a crowded room, we’re overwhelmed with the feeling of someone else’s eyes piercing right through us. However, these negative forces begin within us. We listen to the fiend that whispers into our conscience and become apprehensive of our self-worth. But what is the truth?

     When you stand in front of the mirror do you see yourself or the reflection of constant rejections from the demons possessing your mind? As you look into your weak core, you can see the beast burrowing and eating your individuality as you try to hide behind your dignity.

      It’s time to free you from the wicked forces. Stop tormenting yourself with thoughts of doubt. Accepting who you are is the foundation for your true happiness. Look at yourself in the mirror and dig beneath the foulness. Once you expose your inner self, you can introduce yourself to your demons.  By revealing your true identity to your demons; they will no longer cause you harm. When you begin to accept who you are, so will your demons. Through acceptance, a friendship will build between you and your demon, turning your inner monster into a friend.    

Free Spirited

I'm eating in the food court at Queens Center mall, and noticed a pretty teenage girl who was dressed in a Hip-hop fashion. She had on fitted purple turtle neck with a grey thick waist belt and grey knee high boots. She was leaning up against the wall looking down at the cell phone in her hand. Her jewelry was a layered necklace and big hoop hearings. Minutes later, a punk rock teenage girl approaches the other teen; and plants a big kiss right on her mouth. They hugged so tightly, you can see the enthusiasm in their faces.

I was so shocked! I couldn’t believe what I had just seen. Two girls openly displaying their affection in the middle of a food court at mall. This was considered taboo when I was a teenager. So I thought okay maybe they decided to meet up so they hang out on their own and not feel judged by anyone. Ahh no, I was wrong. A couple of minutes later a group met up with them. It was like this teenage couple was part of this co-ed click. Everyone was in their comfort zone; I was so amazed.

This teenage couple made me realizes how times have changed from when I was there age. They also made me realize that our social customs have changed too. This is why we shouldn’t live our lives by the social norm. What might be bizarre now might be perfectly fine later. But, who's willing to wait for that time to come. I'm willing to feel like that teenage couple who were so happy just to be together holding hands, and hanging out with their friends. Other people's opinions didn't matter. They looked so free spirited, having fun living in that particular moment. So Beautiful.